by Ryan Eshoff

With the hottest sports issues stirring nationwide debate, many of us feel like our heads are spinning from all of the various angles and biases that we are exposed to. That being the case, I decided it was apropos to bring the day’s most pressing issues of sport to the three judges with the most influential stranglehold on American culture.

Issue #1: Barry Bonds, and the steroid situation in general.
Randy J: Yo Barry man, seriously-rattin’ out your teammate Mark Sweeney like that? Not cool man.
Paula A: The nice thing about you Barry, is that you’re your own person, and you don’t care what people say about you.
Simon C: I believe you’ve never used steroids Barry-that annoying voice and watermelon head are just natural.

Issue #2: The thrilling rise and agonizing fall of Barbaro, Kentucky Derby champion
Randy: This is whack: there is a horse in the Dawg Pound!!!
Paula: This story brings me to tears every time I hear about it.
Simon: Why are we talking about this again? Horse Racing is to sports what William Hung is music.

Issue #3: The Indianapolis Colts win the Super Bowl, and Peyton Manning is MVP
Randy: Peyton, dude, it wasn’t your best performance, but it was aight, man, it was aight.
Paula: I’m just overjoyed that you and your brothers and father have such a wonderful relationship. All that dancing at the line of scrimmage makes me want to get out of my seat too.
Simon: Peyton Manning is Super Bowl MVP? Still, this competition is all about Tom [Brady], who has as many rings as Randy.

Issue #4: The state of Bay Area football
Randy: Al Davis- you get no love from me, dog, you straight ruined the Raiders.
Paula: I just love when the 49ers wear their throwback red uniforms. It really reveals their natural identity.
Simon: This is a complete and utter mess.

Issue #5: Tiger Woods, running away from the rest of the pack in golf
Randy: Dude, you bring it every single day of the week. You ain’t just in the Dawg Pound, you’re the VIP.
Paula: The greatest thing about you is that you are so incredibly classy, with a lovely family.
Simon: Of course, you’re winning all these tournaments. Look at the competition. The only holes most of them have ever seen are the ones in doughnuts.

Issue #6: Serena Williams, the Fashionable Flexer, defeats Maria Sharapova, the Gorgeous Grunter
Randy: Serena, dude, I would not want to arm wrestle you. I think I speak for every dude in the world when I say, after watching this match…Wow.
Paula: I completely adore your outfits. Whatever happens in the rest of your careers, remember, just be you, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Simon: Maria, sweetheart, your shrieks sound like the attempts of many of these contestants.

Issue #7: Best Super Bowl Ad
Randy: I’ve got 2. The Kevin Federline one; my boy’s still got the moves! And the one with the auctioneer doing the wedding. Let’s get the party started people!
Paula: Without a doubt, the one with the white dog that is rejected at first before finally being accepted as the fake Dalmatian. It was so cute and sentimental!
Simon: The one where one guy tries to fist bump, then everybody starts slapping each other in the face. It reminded me of my childhood.

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